Don't get me wrong---he was supportive of this journey to surgery (mostly) until the insurance company denied me. Then he would not really listen to any scenario in which we somehow came up with the money for self-pay.
So after my parents offered to pay for surgery, he still seemed somewhat unsupportive. What do I mean by this? Well......he didn't seem happy about it. I'm not saying he was angry or anything, his reaction was just.......well, NOTHING. He didn't seem to care one way or another. Like it didn't matter. And somehow, that makes me feel like I DON'T MATTER.
I wanted to get to the bottom of it. I asked him, "Is your lack of excitement because the last time I lost a ton of weight, I got all obsessed about food and exercise?" [Mind you, I had to be obsessive to maintain 142 lbs for 2 years, otherwise, I would've gained it right back]. I could only eat 20-24 Weight Watchers Points per day, depending on how much I exercised.
He said, "Yeah, kinda."
Several years ago (2002-2004) when I got down to this weight, I stopped eating his cooking. He LOVES to cook. Loves, loves, LOVES to cook. And he cooks mostly healthy meals. However, in order for me to weigh that little, I had to be very obsessive. I steamed huge portions of vegetables every night. No butter. No sauteeing. Nothing---just steamed with some seasoning. I ate lots of black beans, grilled chicken and fish. And I was obsessive about cooking it myself because then I knew what was in it---and how much.
So I told him I wanted to eat his food this time and that this surgery would help me eat less of it. And that I hoped surgery wouldn't require obsession because I know I can't keep up OBSESSION for the long haul. He DOES cook healthy, nutritious meals, FWIW. And he's damn good in the kitchen. And other places too, lol.
He seemed to understand....but I could tell there was more on his mind.
So I asked, "What else?"
He said, "You're a bottomless pit."
What??? After further explanation, he worries that this surgery is just the first huge chunk of money that I'll want to spend. He's heard me make statements in the past regarding other procedures I want done.
Such as:
1. Boob job: In my defense, they are currently a 36I (that's ABCDEFGHI). HUGE. They have been huge since I was in 8th grade and weighed 115 lbs. At that time, I was a 30DDDD. I've always had disproportionately big boobs. So YES, I want them to be more proportional with the rest of my body. Dolly Parton chose her boob size. I did not. I would not. When your chest is this disproportionate, any shirt---even a t-shirt---looks sexual. Unless you wear things that are too large and unflattering in other places. I prefer my clothes to fit.
2. Laser resurfacing of my skin: I have done 2 rounds of Accutane in the last 12 years for cystic acne. My skin looks pretty good...but I have some scars on my cheeks that I'd like to be less noticeable. So sue me. If you've ever had terrible acne, you'd understand. My dermatologist told me that my skin looks remarkable, considering how bad my skin was before Accutane. I'm lucky in that a lot of people would have scarred much worse. So, yes, I know my scars aren't that bad, but they are there. And I see them. I had a consultation with Dr. Suzan Obagi (yes, her!) last year and she recommended the Pearl Laser. It's less than a $1,000!
3. Tummy Tuck: Yes, I have skin that hangs over my bikini line. I was about this weight before having children but my tummy was firm. Chubby but firm. Now, it's a saggy deflated balloon. It is uncomfortable, hangs over my underwear, and I get rashes in it during the summer months. And I still have a lot of weight to lose!! So I know it'll only get worse. Sure, I want to look better. I want to get rid of the sagging skin. But I also don't want the discomfort of it! It flops up and down when I do classes at the gym! It's gross. It's embarrasing. I don't want the constant reminder of how fucking fat I got.
4. Tattoo Removal. I have a tattoo on my back that I regret. Then again, I realize very few people see it. Just my husband and the anesthesiologists who stuck the spinals in my back for my c-sections. So, removing it is not exactly a high priority. I've mentioned to him before that I'd like it removed. I only mentioned it ONE TIME but apparently he filed this away in his brain and added it to my list. FWIW, I have other tattoos that are small and that I still like...and those, I don't regret. The one on my back though.... :(
He basically ticked off the above list to me and said, "You'll never be happy with yourself. You're always going to find something you don't like." He thinks if I get the above issues taken care of, I'll find something else I want. I totally disagree. I think that's all I want. Heck, I already had LASIK!!! Bwahahahaha! But let me defend myself and say that my vision was 20/500. LASIK was not about vanity. It was about vision.
So yeah. I'm a bottomless pit.
I can definately understand the reasoning behind what he is saying - only because I am now thinking yes I may want a boob lift etc etc !!!
ReplyDeleteWe are all allowed to have wish lists aren't we??
the boobs... I seem to recall reading on Draz's blog that when she got her boobs reduced that it was easy peasy that insurance paid for it because of some ratios that exist. She was at or somewhere near a normal weight with really big boobs and she said the doctor looked it up on a chart and yup, her boobs were too big for her frame and could therefore possibly cause other issues (back and neck things) and it was a no brainer - I'd think with our size boobs - either now or absolutely when you've lost even more weight - that if my memory is correct - it would be a no brainer procedure for insurance to pay for.
ReplyDeleteAnd as for the rest - of course we all have lists. But just because you have a lists of wants doesn't mean by definition that you have a list of "I'm definitely gonna gets" and then after that you'll start all over on a new list. I do think it's hard for men who have not lived their whole lives with the pressure to look good that woman have. It seems though like he's an open and reasonable man, perhaps with more discussion he can understand the pit does in fact have a bottom to it.
Good luck!
I can totally understand where you're coming from. I had terrible acne before (losing weight and going on the pill helped almost 100%) and I'd love some laser work. I had LASIK. Obviously, I had the band installed. I am currently trying to figure out how to afford to get my arms done. And gym membership every month for the rest of my life. And if I had unlimited funds, I'd love to have a tummy tuck, boob job, teeth whitening...it never ends. But it's a wish list, NOT a to-do list. There's a difference. You'll do what you can and hopefully will be happy. If I never have a lick of plastic surgery, I am thrilled to be where I am, saggy skin and all!
ReplyDeleteBoob job is a lot different than breast reduction! This sounds like more of a health thing. Regarding the other things, some of them might become less significant to you once you get to/near your goal weight. Anyway, he should be able to see that THIS surgery is for health, not vanity!
ReplyDeleteI want #'s 2 and 3, too! I had/have really bad skin, even after puberty, almost all of the people on my dads' side of the family do...
ReplyDeleteAnd there's nothing worse than feeling self-conscious about your body. Especially if it's a rash issue. Who knows by the end of this perhaps the insurance company will pay for the TT and BR!
I'm glad that you guys were able to have an open conversation about this.
ReplyDeleteLook, I'm going to be blunt. On the one hand, I do see where your husband is coming from IF he feels that you are unnecessarily hard on yourself in terms of appearance. There are people out there who will never be satisfied, because it isn't about reality, it's about the fantasy in their head of what perfection feels like. Since no one is perfect, they can't ever get there no matter how many procedures they go through and I do completely understand his worry.
But. It seems more like a money thing, honestly. He didn't say he's worried that you're out for perfection. He's worried that you're a bottomless pit. Of money. That he's not willing to invest in you. And, he's not willing to allow you to work so that you can invest in yourself. From an outsider's view, it seems like he's managed to work things out so that he has all of the financial control, while getting all of the benefits of your financial dependence.
I know I'm oversimplifying! I've been in the position before of making my husband look very bad to my friends because I only told them about the negative stuff and not the positive stuff. So I absolutely am not saying he's a horrible person and you should divorce him :) But, this financial issue would be big for me in my marriage. I don't know if it is for you-- maybe not. But since financial disagreements are among the very top reasons for dissatisfaction and divorce in marriage, it might be worth more hashing out in a neutral environment.
I know you don't know me from Adam, so this may be completely unwanted. If so, I apologize and I will butt out.
I don't have to do a pre-surgery diet other than 3 days before, high protein, low carb. I am withing 15 lbs of my goal so my doctor is not worried about shrinking my liver. that is why they make you do the pre-surgery liquid diet by the way. I am not sure you know this but I have the lapband but I am having it removed and at the same time revision to VSG.
ReplyDeleteAbout your post....I could never do what I've done (going to MX for lapband and now having VSG surgery here in FL, self-pay for all) without 100% support from my husband. Please, make sure you have his support before you have surgery because I don't see anything good coming from it if you are constantly butting heads. Good luck!
I agree with others that it seems he's more worried about the money than your actual mental reasoning behind all of it. I also agree that a breast REDUCTION is a whole lot different than just a typical "boob job." I know there are things I want to change once I hit goal (tummy tuck and vanity-run-amok boob lift amongst them). Everyone has a wish list. But losing weight is about your health...not just vanity.
ReplyDeleteHe's a guy. Im assuming he's never had boons or been fat, he's a guy. Guys don't think of all the stuff that comes with having large breasts or being overweight, etc. He is thinking about money..but he's bot entirely wrong to do so. I want a lot of surgeries too but I need a lot of money first. He wants you to be happy itg yourself andif he's like my hubby, he wants us to see ourselves the way they do. I think your going to have to reassure him of how this will change ur life and maybe kick off one or two surgeries for now.
ReplyDeleteAnd def don't do any tummy or boobs until after like 2 years post Vsg!
not to be critical of your hubby but it's just money. If you have the means then spend it to make your self happy. Speaking from experience happiness last much longer than money in your pocket. ..Oh and hello my first comment to you think i would be more sunshinny (yes that is a word i made up)
ReplyDelete