A few weeks ago, my husband didn't seem particularly thrilled or excited for the fact that I might be getting WLS soon. I'm not sure what I expected his reaction to be.....
Don't get me wrong---he was supportive of this journey to surgery (mostly) until the insurance company denied me. Then he would not really listen to any scenario in which we somehow came up with the money for self-pay.
So after my parents offered to pay for surgery, he still seemed somewhat unsupportive. What do I mean by this? Well......he didn't seem happy about it. I'm not saying he was angry or anything, his reaction was just.......well, NOTHING. He didn't seem to care one way or another. Like it didn't matter. And somehow, that makes me feel like I DON'T MATTER.
I wanted to get to the bottom of it. I asked him, "Is your lack of excitement because the last time I lost a ton of weight, I got all obsessed about food and exercise?" [Mind you, I had to be obsessive to maintain 142 lbs for 2 years, otherwise, I would've gained it right back]. I could only eat 20-24 Weight Watchers Points per day, depending on how much I exercised.
He said, "Yeah, kinda."
Several years ago (2002-2004) when I got down to this weight, I stopped eating his cooking. He LOVES to cook. Loves, loves, LOVES to cook. And he cooks mostly healthy meals. However, in order for me to weigh that little, I had to be very obsessive. I steamed huge portions of vegetables every night. No butter. No sauteeing. Nothing---just steamed with some seasoning. I ate lots of black beans, grilled chicken and fish. And I was obsessive about cooking it myself because then I knew what was in it---and how much.
So I told him I wanted to eat his food this time and that this surgery would help me eat less of it. And that I hoped surgery wouldn't require obsession because I know I can't keep up OBSESSION for the long haul. He DOES cook healthy, nutritious meals, FWIW. And he's damn good in the kitchen. And other places too, lol.
He seemed to understand....but I could tell there was more on his mind.
So I asked, "What else?"
He said, "You're a bottomless pit."
What??? After further explanation, he worries that this surgery is just the first huge chunk of money that I'll want to spend. He's heard me make statements in the past regarding other procedures I want done.
1. Boob job: In my defense, they are currently a 36I (that's ABCDEFGHI). HUGE. They have been huge since I was in 8th grade and weighed 115 lbs. At that time, I was a 30DDDD. I've always had disproportionately big boobs. So YES, I want them to be more proportional with the rest of my body. Dolly Parton chose her boob size. I did not. I would not. When your chest is this disproportionate, any shirt---even a t-shirt---looks sexual. Unless you wear things that are too large and unflattering in other places. I prefer my clothes to fit.
2. Laser resurfacing of my skin: I have done 2 rounds of Accutane in the last 12 years for cystic acne. My skin looks pretty good...but I have some scars on my cheeks that I'd like to be less noticeable. So sue me. If you've ever had terrible acne, you'd understand. My dermatologist told me that my skin looks remarkable, considering how bad my skin was before Accutane. I'm lucky in that a lot of people would have scarred much worse. So, yes, I know my scars aren't that bad, but they are there. And I see them. I had a consultation with Dr. Suzan Obagi (yes, her!) last year and she recommended the Pearl Laser. It's less than a $1,000!
3. Tummy Tuck: Yes, I have skin that hangs over my bikini line. I was about this weight before having children but my tummy was firm. Chubby but firm. Now, it's a saggy deflated balloon. It is uncomfortable, hangs over my underwear, and I get rashes in it during the summer months. And I still have a lot of weight to lose!! So I know it'll only get worse. Sure, I want to look better. I want to get rid of the sagging skin. But I also don't want the discomfort of it! It flops up and down when I do classes at the gym! It's gross. It's embarrasing. I don't want the constant reminder of how fucking fat I got.
4. Tattoo Removal. I have a tattoo on my back that I regret. Then again, I realize very few people see it. Just my husband and the anesthesiologists who stuck the spinals in my back for my c-sections. So, removing it is not exactly a high priority. I've mentioned to him before that I'd like it removed. I only mentioned it ONE TIME but apparently he filed this away in his brain and added it to my list. FWIW, I have other tattoos that are small and that I still like...and those, I don't regret. The one on my back though.... :(
He basically ticked off the above list to me and said, "You'll never be happy with yourself. You're always going to find something you don't like." He thinks if I get the above issues taken care of, I'll find something else I want. I totally disagree. I think that's all I want. Heck, I already had LASIK!!! Bwahahahaha! But let me defend myself and say that my vision was 20/500. LASIK was not about vanity. It was about vision.
So yeah. I'm a bottomless pit.