i went shopping!

In less than one hour, I found 4 new pairs of jeans and 3 pairs of summer capris.

Wow!!

And it was all free.  You see, I dug around my basement until I found the box labeled "Size 14P."

I took it upstairs and tried everything on.  It all fit!  I mean, how often does that ever happen?  When does every thing you try on fit correctly and flatter your figure?  This experience was way better than hitting a department store.

Opening the box felt so good.  I had boxed it all up when I was pregnant with my first son.  It sat in the basement for 3.5 years!

I also came across the "Size 10" box and the "Size 12" box.  I peeked in the "Size 10" box and saw a pair of jeans that I must've bought 9 years ago.  When I bought them, I remember being upset with myself that I no longer fit in the size 8's.  And now, what I wouldn't give to be a size 10P!

Even last summer, when I was a size 18----I would have killed to be a 14.  I promised myself that when I was a size 14 again, I'd be brave enough to bare my arms.  Welllllllll, here I am, a size 14 and there is no way in hell I will wear sleeveless shirts.

What happened to all my promises to start loving and appreciating my body once I got to a 14?

Why are we never enough for ourselves?  Why are we so hard on ourselves?

Sooo...I can already predict that when I do reach a size 10P again, I'll still be wishing I was a 6P.  Or a 4P.  When will I ever be satisfied?  Of course, right now I'm swearing to myself that when I hit 140 pounds and a size 10P, I'll look in the mirror and like what I see.

But will I?

I already know I'll have a FUPA issue.  LOL!  So I can predict I won't like me naked.  But I'm hoping to feel some satisfaction while dressed.

Amy W. confessed to having the same problem.  She's at her goal weight.  And she's having the same trouble.  Always wishing for more.

As for now, I'm happy to be in 14's.

But, of course, I'll be even happier when these clothes are too big.

You know what it reminds me of?

I had a spinal cord injury patient one time who had a C4 fracture (thus, a quadriplegic).  He was awesome, had a great outlook on life, despite sustaining this injury in college.  I met him one year after his accident.

He was joking with me, telling me that all he really wished for, was the use of his thumb.  His thumb!!  Why?  Because he had to use a mouth stick to move his wheelchair around.  He wished he could steer with his thumb instead of puffing into the stick to get around.

He joked that every spinal cord injury patient just wishes their injury were one more vertabrae lower.  He knew C6 quadriplegics that could propel themselves around with a joystick (what he longed for!) but they just wish they had full use of their arms, so they could push themselves around and get on and off the toilet independently.  He lamented that paraplegics have full use of their arms (and a lot more independence) but they just wish they could get up and walk.

We always want more.

Learning to love what we have now is so hard.  Isn't it?  But I'm trying.