dreading events that should be fun

Do you ever find yourself dreading an event that should be fun?

I do.

Like when my sons were born I dreaded being in photos because of my weight.  Especially because I didn't have control of the camera.  Normally I ordered the photographer (my husband) around so I can get the most flattering possible angles (I have camera angles down to a science, people!).

Like when my dear best friend from high school told me she wanted to bring her two boys and visit me in October this year, I was thrilled at the thought of seeing her again (it's been wayyy too long).....but I was disgusted at the thought of her seeing me.  Then, when she let me know it just wasn't going to work out, I felt more relief than anything.  I didn't want her to see me like this.  Isn't that sad?  That is just frickin' pathetic!  Because I always have fun with her!  We always talk and laugh and in my head I know she doesn't care what I weigh.  But I do.

Like my other bestie from college drove five hours in one day at a moment's notice meet my newest baby over July 4th weekend.  Loved every second of her visit but I felt horrified for her to see me like that.  220 pounds!  My worst nightmare.  I couldn't help but wonder if she thought, "How the **** did she let herself get like that?"

Like this December my husband is graduating with his master's degree and I'm half dreading it because of my weight.  Okay, totally dreading it.

They'll be having a formal dinner and celebration for his class at the Omni downtown.  He'll be wearing a suit....and I'll have to find something suitable to squeeze into.  Instead of looking forward to a glamourous celebration, I'm consumed with thoughts of,  "Will I be able to find a formal dress that fits?"  Ugh!  And I'll probably end up wearing PANTS.  Why?  Because pants have an elastic waistband, my friends...  Elastic.

At least I still have 3 months...Hopefully I can drop another 15 pounds.  Every little bit helps.