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Friday, January 7, 2011


thanks for all your comments yesterday.

i'm still just feeling a mixture of rage and despair.

where is all that fight i had in me?  a few weeks ago i would've said, "bring it on!"  it's gone.  i feel so defeated.  i can't stay on topamax forever.  my fingers and toes are constantly tingling.  my brain is fuzzy.  the appetite has been tamed but that's the price.  i'm tired of it.

my husband won't even discuss the option of self-pay.  he just graduated with his master's degree (nurse anesthesia) and refuses to consider taking out a loan or saving up to pay for it ourselves.  he says "he" won't pay for it.  ummm hello i worked too...up until the birth of our second child recently.

i resent it.

i fear this could be the unraveling of what used to be a fairly good (great even!) marriage.  i just feel like i don't matter to him.  i don't think $15,000 is all that much money in the scheme of things.  it's about the cost of a car.  a cheap one at that.  our marriage will go down the crapper for the cost of a car payment.  that's fucking awesome.


  1. Make a list of things to discuss with him. Prove to him why this is important and you want to be around long enough for your family!

    I am sorry. I know this is hard!

  2. Lee Ann - I am so sorry you are going through this. It was so frustrating for me when I found out a year ago my insurance wouldn't cover it and I let it go - gained more weight and then finally realized if I didn't do it I would lose my life and livelihood since I felt my weight impacting everything, including my job.
    Have you considered going to Mexico? There are some people here who have done that and had great experiences. I think it would then be about $5000-$6000. That is a huge difference. Catherine55 from Chronicles in Bandland went there. Read her early blog. Stay strong and hang in there. You will find a way!

  3. I'm so sorry, Lee Ann. Thanks stinks, bad. I was worried you might have trouble because you lost so much weight and you're relatively little to begin with. I know several people will intentionally NOT lose weight during the medically surpervised diet so that their BMI doesn't go too low.

    Don't give up on the idea of self-pay. I went to Mexico for my surgery and it was $6,000. I took a no-interest for 12 months loan and paid it off before any interest hit. Perhaps you and your husband can agree on a compromise if you find an option that is cheaper. Email me if you want more info about my Mexico surgery amandakiska@yahoo.com

    Also don't give up on the appeal options too. MandaPanda was denied and then approved on appeal so it CAN happen.

  4. I can't offer any ideas that will help,but the above two were good ideas. I just wanted to offer (((great big bear hugs)))

  5. I wish I could give you good advice, but I'm still in the process myself... Please don't give up.... (((huggggggggsssssss)))

  6. I'm really sorry, hope that you can work something out.

  7. Keep trying!!! Something will work!!!