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Sunday, November 21, 2010

in a slump

I've been in a slump.

I haven't been filling out my food journal.  Even on days where I eat right and have everything to be proud of, I just don't write it down.  I don't know why.  Sabotage?  Laziness?  Stubborn?

Part of me knows I should do this to be successful.

And then the other part of me feels I shouldn't have to.  "Normal" people don't have to write down everything they eat---so why should I?  (That little voice answers---"because you're not normal").


I feel like I've been white-knuckling it, hanging on to the edge of a cliff....so I made an appointment to see my PCP before I let myself fall into the abyss.

I saw her a few days ago to talk about my weight.  I told her I was hungry ALL THE TIME.  I described this ever-present hunger and how I'd managed to conquer it for the past 3-4 months but that I couldn't hang on any longer without help.  I told her I'd started the six month "Lifestyle" diet change THING at Magee Hospital and that I'd lost 20 pounds.

By "conquer" the hunger I mean to say that I've LIVED WITH IT.  I've accepted it as part of my existence.  But I just can't do it anymore.

Anyway, she said, "That's great!  You're losing it by yourself!  You don't need surgery!"

I lamented that it was a Catch-22.  If I lost some on my own, some would say, "you don't need surgery," and that if I didn't lose anything beforehand, people would say, "you're just relying on surgery."

She said, "People are going to perceive you how they want to perceive you."  That was a good point---actually, that was about her only good point!

She said she'd support me if I decided I wanted LB but she discouraged me in so many ways.  Let me list them for you.

1.  "You'll gain it back."  She went on to say she had many patients who lost it all, only to gain it back.  My surgeon has this chart that shows how, over time, LB patients keep off an average of 60% of their excess body weight.  I relayed this information.  She said, "Well eventually they gain it back."  She didn't offer any research to prove her statement.

2.  "You'll lose your hair.  You don't want to lose your hair do you?"  No, of course I don't want to lose my hair.  As far as I know, hair loss can be caused by a major loss of nutrients, like in gastric bypass.  But it comes back right?  Right?  I don't know.  I need to research this further.  Off the top of my head it seems like the 1-2 pounds of WL per week on LB won't cause hair loss but....I'll check into it.

3.  Regarding not feeling full:  "Eat more fiber.  Eat more protein."  Duh.  I've been doing that.  I actually binge on raw carrots, broccoli, grilled chicken, and black beans.  But I'm still hungry.  I'm tired of being hungry.  Why is that hard to understand?

4.  Regarding hunger:  "You're bored."  Ummm, no.  No, I'm not.  I have a 2.5 year old and a six month old.  We have passes to the Carnegie Science Center, the Children's Museum, and we get out of the house every single day to do something whether it be errands or just plain fun.  I am not bored.  She suggested I get a hobby.  I have several actually.  I love to scrapbook and knit.  Unfortunately I don't get to do these things everyday.  Why?  Because I'm BUSY!!!  She even suggested I go back to work.  (I'm an occupational therapist.)  I don't want to.  I'm sure I'll miss it eventually, but I don't right now.  I just enjoy being a stay at home mom and I'm really thankful I can be with my boys at this stage of their life.

5.  She said I could "binge on candy" if I wanted to.  Like if I wanted to eat M & M's, she said I could eat the entire bag as long as I didn't eat anything else.  Really?  Because I'd still be hungry.  That was her example!

6.  I mentioned one of the reasons for wanting LB was so I could keep up with my kids.  She said, "No one can keep up with their kids!"   She wasn't trying to be funny when she said this.  She was serious!   Okay I will confess this to my audience of zero----there were times when I was pregnant and 250 pounds that I just didn't have the energy or motivation to go upstairs to our only bathroom to pee.  So I peed in a styrofoam cup in the kitchen.  Perhaps I should have cited that as a reason for needing to lose weight.  I mean, if you can't summon the energy to walk upstairs and pee like a normal human being, then something is seriously effing wrong with you.  And now I'm making a mental note to never post a picture of my face on this blog after making this confession public.  :D  

7.  She said, "Write down 3 good things about your day."  I'm pretty sure she stole this idea from Oprah.  The gratitude journal.  And I'm not laughing.  I don't think that's a stupid idea.  I just don't think it will help me.  Why?  Because I have so much gratitude in my life.  Scrapbooking is gratitude.  It's love and sunshine on sparkly papers and.......

At some point in all of this, I got teary-eyed because I felt like I was putting myself "out there," being vulnerable, and for what?  For nothing.  Because still, no one understands.  I hate it when I cry!!!!

Let me reiterate.  I am HUNGRY.  All.  The.  Time.

Did she hear me?  No..........no.  

She did, however, say one thing I will agree with.

After telling her how I took my kids to the water park over the summer but felt left out sitting on the sidelines wearing my clothes (not a swimsuit), she said it was clear I had a self-esteem issue.  Okay that's true, but I sat there wondering if she'd want to go to Sandcastle wearing a bathing suit if she weighed 220 pounds and would suffer skin-to-skin contact from her crotch to her knees.  What would her self-esteem be?  LMAO.

If there's anyone out there reading this, I'd love a comment or unsolicited advice or insight....anything?