cold hard numbers

So yesterday morning I was flying high & celebrating my first 10 pounds.

Then, the afternoon came.

I had agreed to be a participant in a research study at Magee Womens Hospital.  They are studying how WLS can reduce the risk of endometrial cancer.  I volunteered to donate blood a total of 4 times (once before surgery & 3 times afterward) and fill out about an hour's worth of paperwork.

What I didn't know is that they would also TAKE MY MEASUREMENTS and calculate my % body fat!

I sort of felt like a contestant on The Biggest Loser, minus the black tights, my Enell bra, and a bazillion fans viewers.  We can also subtract the foregone conclusion that I'm already out there walking around skinny!

At the hospital I weighed 207 lbs. (202.5 at home).  The machine calculated my % body fat at either 47.6% or 46.7%.  I can't remember.  But what's the difference?  Either way, that's fucking terrible!!

I knew it was bad, but it was hard seeing it.  I wanted to say, "B-b-but I've already lost some weight."  The lady (my mom's age) patted me on the shoulder and said something that was supposed to comfort me...

Next came the measurements.  My waist:  106.5 cm.  Hips:  123 cm.

When I got home I had to translate those numbers into the inferior Imperial system I'm familiar with.  So that's a 41.9" waist & 48.4" hips.

I looked up what the recommendations were for body fat % and found the table below here.

Description	Women	Men
Essential fat	10-13%	1-3%
Athletes	14–20%	6-13%
Fitness	21–24%	14–17%
Average	25–31%	18–24%
Obese	32%+	25%+

My eyes welled up with tears as I left the office.  After losing more than ten pounds I felt so disgusted, humiliated, and defeated.

Oh well.  As Dr. Phil loves to say, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge."

Aside from the humiliation, I'm very happy I had my measurements taken by professionals.  I had thought about doing it myself, but wasn't sure where to place the tape, etc.  I'll go back for the same measurements when I'm 3 months out of surgery.  The lady said I'll look so different they won't recognize me.

I like to imagine that next time, when I walk out of there, I'll have tears in my eyes again.  Except next time, they'll be happy, thankful tears of joy and gratitude.

ten pounds down

I just want to take a second to celebrate some small accomplishments.

I've lost ten pounds since July.  Twelve and a half to be exact.  

My weight loss picked up when I started walking for an hour a day.  Actually, pushing two boys in a double stroller feels more like mowing the lawn (but with less noise).

In addition, I'm no longer taking sleeping pills at night.  I have more energy.  The stairs in my house are getting easier.  I've gone from a size 18 to a 16. 

And I like myself a little bit more, because, instead of breaking yet another promise to myself (getting in shape), I'm doing it.  Fo' real this time.

dreading events that should be fun

Do you ever find yourself dreading an event that should be fun?

I do.

Like when my sons were born I dreaded being in photos because of my weight.  Especially because I didn't have control of the camera.  Normally I ordered the photographer (my husband) around so I can get the most flattering possible angles (I have camera angles down to a science, people!).

Like when my dear best friend from high school told me she wanted to bring her two boys and visit me in October this year, I was thrilled at the thought of seeing her again (it's been wayyy too long).....but I was disgusted at the thought of her seeing me.  Then, when she let me know it just wasn't going to work out, I felt more relief than anything.  I didn't want her to see me like this.  Isn't that sad?  That is just frickin' pathetic!  Because I always have fun with her!  We always talk and laugh and in my head I know she doesn't care what I weigh.  But I do.

Like my other bestie from college drove five hours in one day at a moment's notice meet my newest baby over July 4th weekend.  Loved every second of her visit but I felt horrified for her to see me like that.  220 pounds!  My worst nightmare.  I couldn't help but wonder if she thought, "How the **** did she let herself get like that?"

Like this December my husband is graduating with his master's degree and I'm half dreading it because of my weight.  Okay, totally dreading it.

They'll be having a formal dinner and celebration for his class at the Omni downtown.  He'll be wearing a suit....and I'll have to find something suitable to squeeze into.  Instead of looking forward to a glamourous celebration, I'm consumed with thoughts of,  "Will I be able to find a formal dress that fits?"  Ugh!  And I'll probably end up wearing PANTS.  Why?  Because pants have an elastic waistband, my friends...  Elastic.

At least I still have 3 months...Hopefully I can drop another 15 pounds.  Every little bit helps.

spy calculator

Found another cool app for my iPhone.  It's called the Spy Calculator.  It's a way to hide private photos and videos.....probably made for some XXX action but I'm using it to take photos of my progress.....and so I'll have no worries that someone will pick up my phone and see them.

This app (99 cent) looks and functions exactly like a digital calculator but when you type in your password (a numerical sequence), it will unlock your private photos and videos.

Pretty awesome.  I wonder if Tiger Woods had this app.

I plan on posting before and after photos on this blog, but right now I don't feel comfortable showing my face or my fat rolls.  Once it's gone I'll be proud to show it off.  :)  I took some pics this morning but I've already lost 15 pounds.  I'm still quite a chubster but I wish I'd taken photos at the very beginning.  I guess it was just too painful.

new stroller

I've been pushing my kids around the neighborhood in my big double stroller but the hilly terrain is killing my back, shoulders, and wrists.  I have to hang on for dear life!  If a death grip is not maintained, my boys just might go flying down a hillside!

If I stay on city sidewalks, I'm fine.  But I get tired of listening to cars whiz by.  There are some beautiful unpaved trails in our neighborhood.  I can get down most of them, but it's killing me.  Some trails at the park must be totally avoided because it's just too difficult.  On occasion, my husband will watch one child for me while I take the other in my single jogger and it's heaven!!  I can go on any trail no matter how rocky, hilly, whatever.  Pushing a single is cake!!

So I just ordered a new double....a side-by-side jogger with bigger wheels.  Should come in 5-7 days.  I hope this does the trick.  My back cannot wait.

switching addictions

My mom has said several times that people who have WLS just "switch addictions."

She said people turn to alcohol or drugs when they can't turn to food.

I've heard of this phenomenon as well but I wonder how common it really is.

I can't ever see myself addicted to drugs or alcohol.  I can count on one hand how many alcoholic drinks I've had in the last year.  Granted, I was pregnant for much of that year.....but I didn't miss it at all when I was pregnant.  My youngest baby is almost 5 months old and I've had only one glass of wine since his birth.  And I would never do drugs or abuse prescription drugs.

Honestly, it kind of hurts my feelings when she says this.  She has no idea I'm planning on getting this surgery so I have no idea why I take it personal like I do.  It's almost as if she's saying, "Fat people are hopeless."

But that's not what she said.  That's me being sensitive....right?

Lululemon Pants

Yesterday Hoda & Kathie Lee were talking about their favorite things.

Hoda said she loved her workout pants, by Lululemon.  So I had to check them out.

Super cute.

But they don't make my size.  :C

According to them, a size 12 is an XL, a 32" waist.  Boo.  Guess I'll have to wait awhile & EARN these.