I'm A Cheater

Don't call the Food Police.  I'm not cheating on bad foods.  It's just that I'm supposed to be on a full liquid diet for 3 weeks.  Nothing but water, protein drinks, broth, and popsicles.

Uhhhhhhhh.  What can I say?  I need real food.

I tried a scrambled egg about a week after surgery.  Actually, I've had an egg several times, but I can only eat about 2/3 before getting full.

Here's what else I've had:  greek yogurt, pudding, ice cream, miniature Oreos, a Dove chocolate square.  Oh wait, I just said I wasn't eating "bad" foods.  Well, I guess some of these aren't the best choices but I've decided from here on out, my motto is:

Balance, not Perfection.

So that's what I was doing.  A couple mini Oreos or ONE chocolate square is not going to get me back to Square One.  It's about moderation so I don't feel guilty considering how tiny the amounts were.  What's AWESOME is how little it took to satisfy me.  Not just the feeling in my tummy, but the feeling in my brain too.  Just a little was enough.  So I stopped.

Hmm, let's see.  I know I've cheated more than that.  Oh YEAH!  My husband grilled some salmon last week.  One ounce filled me up.

A few nights ago we went out to dinner at Salt of the Earth, a place here in Pittsburgh.  For an appetizer, my husband ordered some sashimi.  It was so good I had to take a picture for you guys after I'd had a couple bites.  It had "prickly pear" on it which looked like beet juice.  PLUS, it was sprinkled with fried tempera batter--which looked like Rice Crispies.  It was amazing and full of flavor.

Hmm, what else?  Fat free refried beans go down good right now.  As did my own homemade carrot soup---I got the recipe from Allrecipes.com a couple years ago.  My kids LOVE it.  All you do is boil 3 lbs of carrots in 6C of chicken stock, a stick of butter, 2T of dill, and salt to taste.  Then puree.  Supposedly, that is six servings but I halved the recipe and it lasted in my fridge all week with my kids and I eating it.

Malt O Meal goes down good right now but I'm not a huge fan of it (as is my 3 year old!).  

Basically, I have advanced my diet to what my surgeon calls "Phase 2: Soft Foods."

A few nights ago my husband grilled up some farm fresh corn and it looked SIMPLY DEVINE and smelled wonderful but I was too scared to even try a bite.  And oh yeah, he served that alongside steak!  I didn't dare try that either.

I'm still relying on protein drinks to get in all my protein.

Lovin' this surgery so far!

Feast your eyes on my sashimi.  :)

recent pics

Thanks for all the nice compliments on my last photo.  But---let me just say, I do not like that picture of me in the black swimsuit cover-up dress.  Blech!  I look like a stocky little football player.  If I hadn't had my surgery scheduled, I would have never allowed a full body shot to be taken.  Especially with my hair in a ponytail (even though that's how I usually wear it).

Since that photo, I've lost about 10 pounds.  Here's some pics I took this morning.  Yes, this very morning. My body isn't that different but I feel like my face looks a lot less chubby.  I'm starting to like what I see.  And look what else!  My wedding ring fits comfortably now.  :)  That makes me really happy.

I've already lost a cup size from my bra, which makes me a 36H.  "H" as in HALLELUJAH, I'm not an "I" anymore.

Last night I got a new bra from Nordstrom.  Their sale is over tomorrow night, so you better get there fast if you need a bra fitting.  I know that topic is sooo two months ago, but they are having a sale right now!  I got this bra, it's so cute.  And when your tatas are as big as mine, this is a GREAT deal, because they basically have to sew a couple military grade parachutes together.  That gets pricey.  (I wish I could be one of those women who could buy something off the rack at Target for <$20 without trying it on).  Sigh....

 

Part 5: Discharge

Finally, around 5:30pm, they decided I was good enough to leave.

My nurse came and taught me how to give myself heparin shots.  It's easy:  Grab a little hunk of fat and jab at a 45 degree angle into your tummy.  It doesn't hurt.

She gave me all my prescriptions and discharge papers and wheeled me out.  

Off to fill the scripts:  liquid pain medicine (Lortab elixir), heparin (to prevent clots), Zegerid powder (to prevent heartburn).

Well.  No one told me it would be DIFFICULT AS HELL to get these scripts filled.

We went to a Target pharmacy and they were minutes from closing.  The lady said, "Oh, you're gonna have a hard time finding all these drugs.  These aren't drugs most pharmacies keep in stock."

Great!

Another pharmacist apparently felt some pity for us so he started scrawling down names & numbers of other pharmacies that he thought might have these meds.  Between myself, my BFF, and my MOM, we called almost a dozen phamarcies before we found someone who could fill my heparin injections.

Thank god for cell phones, right?

My mom found a pharmacist at a CVS who said he could help us.  So we drive over there.  And did I mention yet that being in the car made me feel nauseated?

Anyhow.  We got there and it turns out they only had 15 vials of heparin---I needed 42.  (3 shots a day for 2 weeks).

By then, it was 9pm and I was just desperate to get back to the hotel.  I took the 15 vials knowing that I'd probably have to pay a second co-pay to fill the remaining 27 vials.  They also had the liquid Lortab.  No one seemed to have any Zegerid powder so the pharmacist recommended an OTC chewable.

We all collapsed in our beds as soon as we got back to our hotel.  It was probably 10pm by then and we'd all had a long day.

The next day, my BFF and I just lazed around the hotel until about 4pm.  We hit Panera and I sipped the broth ouf of the French Onion soup.  So yummy.  Then we walked around a strip mall and did some more clothes shopping for our kids.  We had planned on seeing a movie, and I was totally up for it, but by 7pm, my BFF was like, "Do we have to?  I'm tired."  Did I mention she is 6 or 7 months pregnant with her 3rd baby?  So, of course we didn't have to see a movie.  I had to wake up at the crack of dawn to catch my flight anyway.

So, at 4:15 the next morning (Thursday), my hotel shuttled me over to the airport and I flew out at 6:00.  All along, I had worried that wouldn't give me enough time, that I would feel too crappy, but it worked out perfect.

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Today I'm exactly 10 days post-op and have lost 9 pounds.  (I was 171 this morning).

As of a few days ago, I was finally able to get in all of my protein (80g) and water (64oz).

My wedding ring fits.  Actually, it fit before surgery but it was tight and I was too scared it would get stuck on my finger in the heat.

Here's a picture of me about a month before surgery.  And don't forget, I already lost 35 pounds since last summer.  And now I'm at least 10 pounds lighter than when this pic was taken.  :)

Part 4: Food. Finally!

Ahhh food.  After passing the leak test, food & water were all I could think of.

I was so excited to finally get something in my mouth after going so long without water.

My nurse brought me a small cup of jello, a 20 oz bottle of water, and a Bluebell Popsicle.

After working hard ALL DAY LONG, I managed to eat about 1/4 of the popsicle and all of the water.  Never touched the green jello.

Drinking too fast caused waves of nausea to roll over me.  Several times I started salivating in my mouth and my stomach would churn.  I'd grab a bucket and spit in it.....and then it would pass.

But let me be clear---I was not drinking fast.  I was just barely sipping.  Like for instance, my nurse brought me a teaspoon of liquid pain medicine.  I sipped the the teaspoon amount very slowly and spent about FIVE MINUTES swallowing it.  And that was too fast.  I made myself sick.

My nurse told me I couldn't leave the hospital until I stopped getting nauseated.

Part 3: Leak Test

Around 8:30 or so on Tuesday morning, they came with a wheelchair and whisked me off to Radiology for my "leak test."  The Wheelchair Pusher Guy went really fast and it made me feel nauseous.

It was easy.  Just some semi-nasty fluid to swallow.  I got to see my new stomach!  It was a cute little baby stomach.  Immediately after swallowing it, I said, "I might throw up."  But the nausea passed and I was fine.

Actually, there were many moments after surgery that I thought I would puke.  My mouth would start salivating and I would get the "little pricklies" on my arms---AKA "the five second warning."  So I would grab something to vomit into but then the feeling would pass.  Every time.

The only memorable part of my leak test was the guy asking me, "Wait...Do you have breast implants?" as he looked at the x-ray thingy before I did the swallow part.

Me, "No."

Him, "Are you sure?"

Me, laughing, "I'm SURE.  Why?"

Pointing at the screen, he said "See all that white stuff?  And that shadow?  That's what breast implants look like."

Me, "I'm breastfeeding."

Him, "Oh, huh.  Hmm.  I've never seen anything like that."

Aaaaand let me just say this guy didn't look young.  So really?  You've never seen breastfeeding boobs on your screen?

Part 2: Surgery Day

My surgery was originally scheduled for 9:30am but then it was changed to 1:30pm.  Ugh!  A longer time to feel famished and thirsty.  But at least I didn't have to check in until later in the morning.

So we arrived at the hospital promptly at 11:00am as instructed.

An hour later (this would be a sign of things to come), they finally came to take me back to pre-op where I changed into my gown and got hooked up to IV fluids.  By then I was dehydrated (and felt hungover) so I was thankful for the fluids.  That made my pounding headache go away so I could sit and read a mindless novel by Vince Flynn.

After reading some 250 pages, they finally wheeled me back to the OR.  Yep!  By then it was 6:30pm.

ONLY FIVE HOURS LATE.

I'm not sure how long the surgery took but the first time I glanced at the clock it was 8:00pm.

Oh Lawd!  I was hurtin'.  That gas pain was terrible!  Personally, I think they could have done a better job squishing all that gas out before closing up my incisions.  But what do I know?  I'm not a surgeon.  My belly felt like a brick wall and I looked pregnant.

I stayed in the PACU (post-anesthesia care unit) for about 2 hours before they took me up to my room where my mom & BFF were waiting for me.

All I remember about being in the PACU is that I got in trouble for scratching my face.  My nurse, a man, got right in my face and said, "YOU ARE GOING TO HURT YOURSELF.  Scratch with your blanket, not your fingernails."  Umm okay.  Sorry dude.  I was kinda out of it.

While my nurse was wheeling me from the PACU to my room he said, "I saw you in pre-op and I wouldv'e never guessed you were a patient.  You're so pretty and skinny.  You were walking around and reading a book instead of laying on your bed, so I assumed you were the patient's family member."  Hmm, I guess the hospital gown I was wearing didn't give it away....   (but that was a sweet thing to say).

Speaking of "skinny," they weighed me in pre-op and I was 180lbs exactly.  That's not skinny when you're 5 ft 2...

So, he got me to my room and thankfully, it was late, so my mom and BFF didn't stay long.  I just wanted to be by myself because I was in pain and didn't feel like putting on a brave face for everyone else.

During the night, I only slept in one hour increments.  The pain would wake me up and then I'd decide to pee.  Every trip to the bathroom was a big production.  Before sitting up, I had to pull those massaging things off my calves.  Then, I got up, unplugged my IV pole, pulled my PCA line off and wrapped it around the IV pole, and drug the damn thing to the bathroom.  And, why, might I ask, am I ALWAYS the person that gets the shitty grocery cart that has a messed up wheel?  This dubious honor apparently applies to IV poles as well because every surgery I have ever had, I've gotten the IV pole that doesn't want to roll.  I nearly pulled it on top of me more than once.  My IV pole had six wheels and I'm positive at least two did not work AT ALL.

Anywho.

Around 4:00am my nurse came into the room and caught me in the bathroom.  She was like, "What are you doing??!"

Me, "Going pee.....?"  (Was it a trick question?).

I got scolded for getting up alone and for not measuring my pee pee.  Sorry!

And well, since I was already out of bed, she decided it was time to start walking.  Yep, at 4 in the freaking morning.

So we did a few laps around the unit.  She had me step on a scale.  187!  What the EFF??????

Seven pounds of fluid?  Are you kidding me?  That woke me right up.

Part 1: The Bowel Cleanse

After flying from Pittsburgh to San Antonio on Sunday, July 17, my BFF and I went shopping for a few hours.  It was the day before my surgery so I was on clear liquids only.  For lunch, I drank the broth out of Subway's chicken noodle soup (while staring longingly at her decadent slice of pizza).  Then we walked around the mall for a few hours, just trying to kill some time until our hotel room was available at 3pm.  July is the best month for clothing sales so we both found some great deals for our kids.

Before checking into our room, we hit Target and stocked up on my necessities.  Actually, "stocking up" implies that I bought a lot of stuff...alas, I did not.  I took all of your advice, Dear Readers, and bought very little.  One broth soup.  Three bottles of water.  Popsicles.  One protein drink.  That's it.

After checking in and unpacking, I got started on the dreaded bowel cleanse.  Don't worry.  I won't say much about it.  Our toilet was one of those "Eco" toilets.  It had two buttons for flushing.  One was labeled "Liquids," while the other button said "Solids."

About six hours after guzzling the magnesium citrate, I came out of the bathroom and announced that I was no longer sure which button to press.

The End.

i'm back

I'm hoooome!  Just flew in this morning.

Tired & sore, but otherwise feeling good.  My stomach hurts here and there but the waves of nausea are becoming more infrequent.

Thanks for all of your well wishes a few days ago.  I'll give more details later...but here's my brief thoughts so far.

I'm so amazed at how full I feel ALL the time.  Here's a rundown of what I've eaten after passing my "leak test" on Tuesday morning.

Tuesday:  20 oz of water.  It took me ALL DAY to sip a 20 oz bottle.
Wednesday:  8 oz of a protein drink plus 12 oz of water.  1 oz of French Onion Soup from Panera (just broth).
Thursday (today):  16 oz bottle of water, 8 oz protein drink x 2.

I still can't imagine being able to get in my surgeon's goal:  64 oz of water plus 2 protein drinks.  For the next three weeks, I'm supposed to stick to a liquid diet.  Prior to surgery, I couldn't imagine feeling full from liquids, but now I can't imagine eating anything solid ever again.  :)

My husband fixed grilled corn and fish for dinner with a side of sauteed onions & cabbage.  All of the produce is from our farm share.  That was the first thing all week I regretted not being able to taste.  It smelled delicious but there's no way my tummy could handle it, so I wasn't tempted.

I'll get to eat good food again eventually.  :)

surgery is Monday

Whewwwwww, finally.

I mean, FINALLY.

Yes, I'm flying out in first thing in the morning.  I should be in bed but I'm too excited to sleep.

In less than four hours, I'll be showering and then it's OFF to the airport!!  Tomorrow I'm on clear liquids only.  The airport should have plenty of that, right?

After I get off the plane, my BFF is picking me up and we're heading off the grocery store to buy my magnesium citrate and a few other things.  Then we'll get busy bonding over a bowel cleanse.  Just think how much closer we'll be as friends after all this.  :)

My surgery is scheduled for 1:30pm Monday.  I'm not taking my laptop, so I doubt you'll hear from me until I get back on Thursday.  I will have my iPhone with me so it's possible I could tap something out on my Blogger app and post it.........but don't hold your breath.

I can still get email on my phone though so I'll get any comments you leave me.  :)

Every gory detail that you never wanted to know will be chronicled upon my return to Pennsylvania on Thursday.

I'm sure you positively cannot wait.

decisions

Lately, I've been doing a LOT of thinking.  No matter what scenario I run in my mind, the answer always ends as a question mark and I can't make a decision.  Do I look past the flaws of one option and try to be happy?  Or do I try to find happiness elsewhere?  


I just can't figure it out.  Do I want my son in morning preschool?  Or afternoon?


Okay, okay, that's my lame attempt at humor.  But this is stressing me out.


Remember I was hoping to win the lottery?  The free-public-preschool-lottery?  


We lost.  Sniff sniff.  Pennsylvania had to cut school funding to balance the budget so there were even less slots available than in previous years.  


After finding out (back in May, I think), my husband and I decided that we would just take our son to Parent's Morning Out (a program at our church).


It's affordable.  It's nearby.  Both of our children are old enough to attend.  There's no commitment and you can drop them off any day of the week without planning in advance.  


But there's less structure.  


At the last minute (2 days ago) I suddenly realized I want him in a "real" preschool.


So I scrambled.  There are two church preschools with a couple slots left.  


One school that's super close (1 mile away) has an afternoon slot available from 12:15 to 3:00.


Another school, about 2 miles away, has a morning slot (9-12).


What to do?


The advantage of the afternoon slot is that the school is closer.  And in the winter, when there are 2 hour delays for snow days, the afternoon class will still be open.  Morning classes are just plain canceled with no refund. 


The advantage of the morning slot is that it's just a better time of day (for a 3 year old).


Hmmmm.  


I know that 1 mile vs 2 miles doesn't sound like much but I live in a very urban neighborhood that has a LOT of traffic in the morning and several stop lights.  So 2 miles could theoretically take 15 minutes in the morning.  Right now my son is attending a camp about 3.5 miles away and it takes me 20 minutes each way.


So I'm conflicted.  Right now my son takes naps in the afternoon (generally 3-4pm).  Occasionally 2-3pm.  Sometimes not at all.  


Honestly, I'd prefer the afternoon slot but I wonder if I'm being selfish.

tell me what i need please

Leaving in 5 days!

Flight is booked.

Hotel room is reserved.

Vitamins have been ordered.

Protein powders have arrived.  I went with y'alls suggestion of Click (both flavors) plus I ordered a variety pack of 12 Nectars from Bariatric Advantage.  I'll take my 12 packets of powder but will be leaving the rest behind (gotta pack light so the airline can't screw me over charge me).

Bought Gas-X (some of you swear by it; others found it worthless...).  Ehhh, it can't hurt.

I also have a shopping list for when I arrive in Texas (gotta stock my hotel fridge):
Protein shakes, lactose free milk, Carnation Instant Breakfast, low sodium broth, 98% FF soups (to be strained), sugar-free jello, sugar-free popsicles, bottled water.  Do I need all this?  Is there anything I should cross off?

What am I forgetting?

Ummm, I also bought this Blender Ball so I don't have to bust out my big fancy blender (okay, it's not that fancy, it's just heavy and takes up space).  But it got rave reviews on Amazon so I bought it.  See?  Isn't it cool?  It has a WHISK BALL in it.  Clever, huh?  I'm saving the excitement of trying it for when I really need it.  Will let you know.

from there to here

I was looking over my beginning posts and came across this one---it was unpublished.  I'm not sure why...but since I'm a week away from finally getting surgery, I'm starting to look back over the last year.  When I wrote this post I weighed 215 pounds.  Almost a year later, I'm down to 178.  (I was lower a few months ago, but have been bouncing between 175-180 lbs).  This is the original title "from there to here," meaning here was 215; there was 142.  So it's kinda fun to remember and celebrate that I've lost 35 pounds since then.  And if you're a new follower, I was originally hoping to get the gastric band, but after my insurance company denied me in January, my parents offered to pay (actually it's a loan) for my surgery.  SO!  I decided a surgery with less maintenance afterwards (gastric sleeve) was the better option for me so I wouldn't have to deal with paying for fills & adjustments.

**********************************************************

Two weeks ago, I called the Bariatric Center at Magee Womens Hospital in Pittsburgh.

The lady on the phone told me to watch an informational video on weight loss surgery on the hospital website and to fill out some forms after watching it.  

So I did.  Honestly, the video wasn't terribly informative but whatever.  I sent in my forms immediately and got all excited about the possibly of this surgery (gastric band).  The lady told me someone would call me in 3-4 days.

Two weeks went by so I called back.  She said that, yes, based on my weight and height I was a candidate.  I scheduled my first appointment with Dr. Ramanathan.   

I miss working out at the gym like I used to.  Spin classes, weight classes, the elliptical, I love it!  Seven years ago I weighed 142 pounds and was in fantastic shape thanks to 24 Hr Fitness and Weight Watchers.  Prior to THAT, I had gotten up to 193 and worked my ass back into shape.

So how did I get here again?

Because when I got down to 142, I thought I had all it figured out!  I never imagined I'd be back here.  Plus another 22 pounds.  I feel so out of control.

Now I'm 215 lbs and have a BMI of 39.4.  

How did I get from there to here?

Again?

In 2003, I worked out M-F.  My friend and I hit the gym for a few hours every day after work.  Yes, a few hours!  I would leave work at 4:00 and spin class started at 5:00.  I had to get there early to sign in and get a slot.  Then I worked out on weights or the elliptical until spin class started.  

I looked great.  I felt great.  I thought I'd won the war on weight.  

But as the year progressed I started gaining weight, despite my routine.  I remember getting to 150 and slamming my fist on the kitchen counter.  So my husband would understand how upset I was!  So he'd understand my anger and my frustration!  So I slammed my fist.  I followed Weight Watchers religiously and worked out constantly.  I couldn't figure it out.  

I went to my PCP when I got up to 166.   She gave me the standard "Diet & Exercise" lecture.  I was desperate for help and I just felt like she was blaming me.  So I tried harder.

I was hungry.  I felt like no one was listening to me.  I knew how to eat.  I knew how to exercise.  Hell, I even enjoyed it!  I didn't like being lectured on how to stay fit.  I wanted help.  Let me say it again:  I was hungry.

A kind of hunger that gnawed at my stomach all the time.  I'd fill up on broccoli, popcorn, lean protein, or whatever, then find myself hungry one to two hours later.  I could only make so many healthy choices and chew up so many bites of food before throwing in the towel, and slathering peanut butter on an English muffin, and stuffing it into my face.  I just wanted the hunger to stop so I could get on with my day.  Why is that so hard to understand?  

Then in the fall of 2004 I went back to school to get a master's degree.  I commuted from Denver to Ft. Collins, woke up around 5:15 a.m. and didn't return until late in the evenings.  I stopped working out.

But, awesomely enough, I only gained 4 pounds over the course of the next two years because I was still watching what I ate.  I only ate foods that were healthy---and a lot of it.

2006:  At 170 lbs, I packed my things and my husband drove me down to Texas for a 3 month internship.  My parents were kind enough to let me stay with them while I completed my internship at a children's hospital 45 minutes away.  It was a grueling schedule and despite my best intentions to start working out, I never did.  Instead, I stopped off at a gas station every morning to grab a breakfast taco!

Three months later, I weighed 186.  But I graduated and it felt great to be done with school. 

At 186, I was pretty disgusted with myself and knew that last 16 pounds was totally and completely my fault.  

2007:  I turned 30 and my husband & I felt it was time to start a family.  In March I stopped taking my birth control pills.  I have a chronic bladder condition called interstitial cystitis and stopping the pills was the worst thing I could have done.  The pain from this condition shot through the roof!  I was so miserable.  I started taking several medicines (in addition to all the ones I was already taking) that are notorious for making people gain weight---but I was desperate and just wanted the pain to stop.  These medicines and my complete lack of physical activity (because of pain) for three months made me pack on more weight.  I was up to 199 by June 2007.  

Then my husband found out he had been accepted into The University of Pittsburgh's CRNA program and we decided to move.  So I went back on the pill because we decided it wasn't a good time to have a baby. 

Little did I know, I was actually pregnant when I started back on the pill.  I got down to 192 by the end of the summer.  However, I didn't feel right.  My toes would tingle.  My gums bled while brushing my teeth.  My left leg was perpetually numb.  My stomach hurt all of the time...  I had my husband palpate my belly because I felt a "mass."  He said, "It feels like your uterus....  Maybe there's a baby in there."  

We both got a huge laugh out of that.  After all, I was on the pill!

But in the middle of the night I woke up and started thinking about it.  Pregnancy made sense.  I vowed to take a pregnancy test the next morning and went back to sleep.

While my husband was at work, I took a pregnancy test and two lines appeared INSTANTLY.  My hands started shaking and I fumbled around with the directions and breathed a sigh of relief when I read, "Wait 3 minutes."

Oh.

So I sat on the edge of the tub, half expecting one line to disappear.

It didn't.

I was thrilled and terrified.  I had been taking so many pills!!  Gabapentin, Vicodin, Atarax, Singulair, Ditropan, Prednisone, Elmiron, etc......all of these meds were to deal with the pain & inflammation of my bladder.  But a baby?  What had I done?

A few days later, at my first OB appointment, we learned I was already 19 weeks and 5 days along!!!!

If I hadn't been laying on the ultrasound table, I would have hit the floor.  I felt dizzy, faint, but most of all--STUPID.  (And in my defense I'd had a pregnancy test in mid-July when I would have been 7 weeks along that was negative----my doctor ordered the pregnancy test before prescribing Levaquin for a  bladder infection).

Anywho---at that first OB appointment, I weighed 192 and promised myself I wouldn't go over 200.  

Almost five months later (Feb. 08),  I delivered our son, weighing in at 246.  He was perfectly healthy though.  :)

But my weight was humiliating and I developed preeclampsia after delivery, which is somewhat rare.  I wondered (and still wonder) if that was somehow my fault, as obesity is a risk factor.

Regardless, I lost 26 pounds right away and started doing Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred video and walking.  After 18 months, I got down to 188 before getting pregnant with our second child.  Again, I swore to myself I would do better the second time around.

I didn't.  I weighed exactly the same---246---when our second son was born on May 1, 2010.  And unfortunately I developed gestational diabetes during that pregnancy but was able to control it with my diet.  More humiliation!  

June 2010:  Weighed 211 at my six week check up.

But I've eaten so much since then that I've gained another 4 pounds.

So here I am, at 215, taking medicine to control my blood pressure, which has caused me problems since my first pregnancy.

Aaaaand, I just realized I didn't even answer my original question---how did I go from there to here?

How?

And now I'm wondering if the how even matters.  

What do you think?  Does the how matter?

Or.....Maybe the question is why?  I honestly think real, true, persistent hunger had something to do with it.  Sure, I messed up big time when I spent three months in Texas with my "fuck it" attitude.....but that only accounts for 16 pounds.  What about the rest?

And then I wonder if I'm just kidding myself.  I dunno.

********************************************************

Okay, so now I've had a year to reflect on that question.  Both my PCP and the bariatric surgeon that I met with feel like all of the medicines that I've taken in the past several years contributed to my increased appetite and weight gain.  (Or maybe they are just being nice?)